X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009)


Bil’s rating (out of 5):  BB

USA, 2009.  Twentieth Century Fox, Marvel Enterprises, Dune Entertainment, Donners’ Company, Seed Productions, Ingenious Film Partners, Big Screen Productions.  Screenplay by , .  Cinematography by .  Produced by , , , .  Music by .  Production Design by .  Costume Design by .  Film Editing by , .  

I watched Alpha Male Wolverine mope around Patrick Stewart’s house for three movies, absolutely boggled as to what could have led any man to become a muscular, emotionally-retentive punching machine, and now I finally have the answer. As I suspected, the story of Wolverine’s origins are only enough of a plot to fill a better movie’s prologue, but here director Gavin Hood (Oscar winner for Tsotsi in 2005) has stretched it pointlessly over two hours and provided more basket-lining for studios and audiences to spend money on. After we meet Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) and his brother Sabretooth (, he has the same power that Meg had on the “Super Griffins” episode of Family Guy, just so you know) in 19th century Canada, we find out that the brothers are early mutants and follow them as they live through to our century, survive wars and become elite killing machines for the American army after their impressive record in Vietnam (the fact that they are Canadian seems to matter very little to the plot). After being recruited by a special forces commander (), they grow apart as Sabretooth indulges himself in his violent power and Wolverine takes the high road, becoming a lumberjack in the Rockies and shacking up with a beautiful schoolteacher (). Following that is your standard revenge-redemption story punctuated by some nifty special effects and laced with wisecracking characters haphazardly strung together from the Marvel Universe, plus endless explosions. To detail why this film is so moronic would be a waste of your time and mine, so don’t bother with it unless you love comic-book movies enough to enjoy the bad ones.

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